As 2018 comes to a close, it’s only a matter of time before New Year’s resolution posts start rolling into your timelines.
But the barrage of empty promises and half-hearted resolutions on social media just make me want to scale back on my social media usage altogether. Forget hitting the gym more or learning new skills. From subtweeting less to toning down my finsta, here are 10 social media resolutions I will probably (not) follow through with in 2019.
1. Stop checking Twitter right before bed
For the good of my mental health — and my insomnia — I’m going to stop checking Twitter before bed. There’s something so unhealthy about falling asleep to Trump tweets and people arguing, you know? In 2019, I will put down my phone before going to sleep instead of stressing myself out at night.
2. Also stop checking Twitter as soon as I wake up
Sure, opening up Twitter as soon as your alarm goes off can catch you up on current events, but do you really need to stress about the state of world affairs before brushing your teeth? Starting on Jan. 1, I won’t check Twitter as soon as I wake up in the morning. Unless there’s juicy drama, of course.
3. Chill with posting obnoxiously long stories
If u make a 300 second long snapchat story of u at a concert there’s a 110% chance I’ll tap my finger so fast through that shit
— ☁︎jaysee (@jccaylen) November 29, 2014
Does anything make you tap faster than accidentally entering an obnoxiously long story? I can guarantee you that nobody willingly watches all 15 pixelated ten-second videos of the concert you went to last night. For this new year, I’m going to make an effort to reign in the Boomerangs. Maybe.
4. Try to post more photos of my pet
For the good of humanity, please keep posting pictures of your pet — it makes the world a better place.
5. Subtweet less
Remember when you were like 7 and thought changing your name to Thunder BearSword would be super cool?
Like that, but our cheeseburgers are still better.
— Wendy’s (@Wendys) June 11, 2018
I regret to inform you that Brand Twitter killed the joy of subtweeting. As a society we need to let it go — as much fun as it was, the whole IHOP/IHOb debacle made it so much less fun. Will I personally be able to stop subtweeting in 2019? In all honesty, it depends on whether people can stop microwaving fish in the office.
6. Stop using my finsta as my personal diary
Finstas are an intimate look at someone’s personal life, but is it healthy to keep oversharing every detail of my existence to my friends? Probably not. I’ll do my best to scale back on my finsta posts for this new year — until I want impulse bangs again.
7. Stop obsessively checking who viewed my Stories
posting a sc story for 1 specific person to see is the modern day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that daisy attends
— julia gastwirth (@JuliaGastwirth) March 17, 2017
Stop being a Gatsby! Daisy will love you in the moment but she won’t commit! In 2019, I’ll stop looking for that green light and instead, post my selfie and move on. If I post a quality meme, though, I won’t hesitate to check who viewed my story — that is something that I actually care about.
8. Turn on read receipts
full offense but if you don’t have your read receipts on you’re kinda shady
— ellie (@holy_schnitt) December 2, 2018
Hear me out: Read receipts don’t deserve their bad reputation. Sure, keeping them on is kind of a power move, but at least you’re being honest. I would rather know that I’m being left on read and move on with my life, so for the new year, I’m going to do the world a favor and turn my read receipts back on.
9. Stop wasting time watching Vine compilations
This is a lie. I will never stop mourning the death of Vine, and will never be able to stop watching glorious compilations. It’s an art form that the world just wasn’t ready for. If anything, I’m probably going to waste more time watching them in 2019.
10. I won’t define my personal relationships by Co-Star
To All The Boys Whose Birth Charts I Have Done Without Their Knowledge
— not all geminis (@notallgeminis) August 24, 2018
Co-Star is both a blessing and a curse; the horoscope app will drag you to hell and back with a disturbingly accurate read of your life, but it’ll also get you hooked on figuring out the birth chart of everyone you interact with. This upcoming new year, I’m making a promise to stop asking people to check our astrological compatibility before I actually get to know them. Unless, of course, they’re a Gemini.
Will I actually be able to follow through with any of these New Year’s resolutions? Unlikely. If I don’t, you’ll probably catch me tweeting about it.